Bambi

Bambi
Bambi (1942)

IMDB rating: 7.50

Plot: The animated story of Bambi, a young deer hailed as the ‘Prince of the Forest’ at his birth. As Bambi grows, he makes friends with the other animals of the forest, learns the skills needed to survive, and even finds love. One day, however, the hunters come, and Bambi must learn to be as brave as his father if he is to lead the other deer to safety.

i get this movie here Bambi

Directors: Hand David

Actors: AnimationFamily,Drama,

How well do you think I wrote this?
First of all, I know some things are out of place or incorrect. I’ll be editing in when I have more time. This is only the prologue to a story I’m writing. For any further question, just ask me.

Here’s my writing

My alarm went off, the loud beeps bringing me back into reality. I was already awake from the sun beaming through my window, but I just pulled the covers over my head to make it seem like night again. I didn’t want to get up just yet, I was having a nice dream. I was having a dream that I was a mother deer playing in a bright and colorful field with my foal, much like that one scene from Bambi. It felt strange that I had a dream over something I watched a year ago. Then again, the film got me interested with nature and it’s beauty. About a month after I watched "Bambi" stop by the library after school and checked out books on forest life, animal encyclopedias, and anything I could fine that taught me more about the world outside the city-life I knew. Okay, I don’t live in a city but I do live in a suburb that happens to be in the country side, but whose to argue. I grew up getting my food from the store, milk from a carton, and never knowing where it really came from. I knew that milk came from the udder of a cow but that is so commercialized. I had to learn you can’t just pull a teat and milk comes out. The cow would have to had been giving birth before. Things I never care to know before became important to me and I was fascinated. It’s funny how one thing can lead to another, because I have lost track of what I was originally talking about. Oh yes, the dream. The Bambi induced dream. I think I know why I had that dream. Today was the day mom and dad weren’t home, and I had the chance to go into the woods. I have no younger siblings to look over and no baby-sitting job. What else is there for a fifteen-year old girl to do on this beautiful day? Before I would just watch tv and probably roam the house nude because I could. Curtains closed of course. But now was the perfect time for me to get to know nature in person and not just from books and documentaries in school.

(I need to make this next paragraph more interesting)

I streched my arm out and shut off my alarm and threw my covers off of me and headed down the hall to the kitchen. "Good morning Diana." My mother greeted me. She had already gotten a shower and prettied herself up with make-up. She looked nice, but something was missing. "Mom" I asked "Where’s daddy?" "He’s getting dressed. After he’s done, we’ll be heading out. By the way, can you stand watching the house by yourself for the day or should I drop you off at your cousin Traceys?" mother asked, eyes still in her newspaper. "I’ll be fine just staying here, but thanks anyway." Dad walked in all dressed up, "Good morning Diana, we’re on a tight scehdule so your mom and I must be going. See you tonight?" "Sure thing dad" I replied. Mother gathered her purse and they both were out the door. I had a typical breakfast of a bowl of cereal and toast with orange juice. I always eat breakfast before brushing my teeth. Orange juice tastes disgusting otherwise. Other typical morning things followed. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower, my morning tinkle and trying to figure out what to wear for the day. I decided it’s best to wear something like dark brown shirt and dark green shorts so I can blend into the forest today. I emptied out my old backpack and started filling it with things I might need. Things like guidebooks to birds and plants. Toilet paper in case nature calls. Some jerky I bought, heard it was a good snack. Add some lunch and trail mix and I now I’m all set for my nature journey for today.

I locked all the doors and windows to our house, and sneaked off into the woods. I tied a small, brightly colored string a tree to mark where my back yard is. I would continue to do this to other trees only so far away so I can find my way back and headed deeper into the woods. Many pictures later, it was mid-day and I must’ve journeyed a couple miles into the forest. I left around nine and now it was twelve-thirty. I started to feel something in my stomach, like it was breathing in air through a dirty hose. I was hungry. I set my backpack down and pulled out a sandwich. I took a bite and sat down myself and looked around. For awhile, it was quite peaceful. The brightly colored leaves, the sound of birds chirping and something I can only distinguish as the water rushing of the side of a cliff in the distance. I would check that out after I was done eating.No background music like in the features, not that that was ever a problem. It was kind of eerie but at the same time calming. However, I could just imagine the beautiful score of "Bambi" playing through my mind. For a second, I forgot I was even human and I felt I had fur and a tail. For a moment, I was a deer. A deer munching on bologna and mayonaise, no that’s not right. Leave it to my lunch to ruin the mood. Suddenly th
Whoops, some got cut off, here is the rest.

Suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck rose and I felt uneasy. Then I heard the dead leaves that fell from last fall crinkle. I stuffed the last part of my sandwich in my mouth and zipped up my bag. I began to run but was pounced on and the beast was tugging at my bag. I flipped over and gave a blow to whatever it was. That’s when I realised that a wolf was trying to get my bag.
Stupidly, I kept my bag on and started to run. The wolf gathered himself back up and caught up to me, biting my leg and tripping me. Now there were more of them coming and I knew I couldn’t win. They gathered around me and started biting at my face and arms as I tried to push them away. I was able to keep them from biting my neck but my stomach and my legs were getting bitten and scratched immensely. I yelled out for help as much as I could while trying to fight them off. I eventually threw my bag down, thinking they wanted it, but they still kept attacking me. Eventually, I heard a gunshot. The wolf pack looked up and I looked towards where the sound was. I could barely make out what it was. It made a face and the wolves ran away. I passed out as the thing walked over to me. Only later would I find out what it was.

You have several run-on sentences that make it hard to read. Also, the writing is really random. While I understand you want to include details that give insight into your character’s mind, but including everything he/she thinks makes it confusing, because it causes the story to lack focus. Also, you do a lot of "telling" and not enough showing. Also, you have some awkward wording – the first sentence is even weird, because you went from "went" to "bringing" which aren’t necessarily different tenses, but in the sentence it is awkward. You need a lot of editing. I had trouble reading it because of all the other errors. There is humor, and it is interesting, but all of the errors overshadow it.

Not Applicable | Nov 24, 2009

Well.. Not to be harsh, but you need more detail. Details,details,details! Other than that, alright.

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